UPSC Preparation & Depression – Causes, Struggles & Recovery Lessons

The notification came out in February 2019. Like thousands of other hopeful aspirants, I filled out my UPSC application with dreams of serving the nation. Little did I know that this journey would push me to the darkest corners of my mind, where I'd battle depression, anxiety, and thoughts I never imagined having.

This is not just another UPSC preparation story. This is about mental health, the silent epidemic among aspirants, and how I found my way back from the brink. If you're reading this while struggling with similar thoughts, please know – you're not alone, and there is a way out.

The Beginning: When Dreams Became Nightmares

"I thought I was just being dedicated. Turns out, I was slowly losing myself in the process."

It started innocently enough. I quit my job, moved back to my hometown, and converted my room into what I called my "UPSC war room." The walls were covered with current affairs notes, maps, and motivational quotes. I had a plan – 16 hours of study, proper diet, regular exercise. Everything was perfect on paper.

The first few months were productive. I was covering syllabus, making notes, feeling confident. But somewhere around the 6-month mark, things started changing. The enthusiasm began to wane, replaced by an inexplicable heaviness that I couldn't shake off.

Early Warning Signs I Ignored

Sleep Disruption

Either couldn't sleep or slept too much

Loss of Appetite

Food became just fuel, lost 8 kg in 2 months

Social Isolation

Stopped meeting friends, avoided family gatherings

Constant Fatigue

Tired even after 10 hours of sleep

Irritability

Snapped at family for minor interruptions

Hopelessness

Felt like I was never going to make it

The Perfect Storm: What Led to My Depression

1. The Isolation Trap

UPSC preparation, by its very nature, is a solitary journey. I convinced myself that social interactions were distractions. Birthday parties? No. Weekend outings? Absolutely not. Even family dinners became rushed affairs where I'd finish eating and rush back to my room.

What I didn't realize was that I was cutting off all my support systems. Humans are social beings, and when you isolate yourself for months, your mind starts playing tricks on you.

The Reality Check:

Studies show that social isolation increases the risk of depression by 50%. Your UPSC journey doesn't require complete social withdrawal.

2. The Pressure Cooker Environment

The pressure came from everywhere – family expectations, peer comparisons, financial constraints, and the ticking biological clock (I was already 26). Every day felt like I was falling behind, even when I was studying 14-16 hours.

•Family: "When will you start earning again?"
•Friends: Getting married, buying houses, career progression
•Society: "Still preparing? It's been 2 years!"
•Self: "Am I wasting my life? What if I never clear it?"

3. The Failure Cycle

Prelims 2020: Missed by 8 marks. "Next year for sure," I told everyone.

Prelims 2021: Missed by 3 marks. The optimism was fading, but I pushed through.

Prelims 2022: Missed again by 6 marks. This is when I completely broke down. Three years of my life, and I couldn't even clear the first stage. The depression that had been lurking in the shadows finally took center stage.

The Darkness: When Depression Took Over

"There were days when getting out of bed felt like climbing Mount Everest. The books that once excited me now felt like enemies mocking my inability."

The months following my third Prelims failure were the darkest of my life. I couldn't study for more than 30 minutes without feeling overwhelmed. The sight of UPSC books would trigger panic attacks. I started having thoughts I'm ashamed to admit – thoughts about whether life was worth living if I couldn't achieve this one dream.

My Depression Timeline

Month 1-2: Denial Phase

Blamed external factors, convinced myself it was just a bad phase

Month 3-4: Anger Phase

Angry at system, family, friends who didn't understand my struggle

Month 5-6: Bargaining Phase

Tried every possible strategy, changed optional, coaches, study plans

Month 7-8: Depression Phase

Complete hopelessness, couldn't study, lost interest in everything

Month 9+: Acceptance & Recovery

Sought help, started therapy, began the healing process

The lowest point came when my mother found me crying over a newspaper article about UPSC toppers. She didn't say anything, just sat with me and cried. That's when I realized that my pursuit of a dream was destroying not just me, but everyone who loved me.

The Turning Point: Asking for Help

"The bravest thing I did wasn't attempting UPSC four times. It was admitting I needed help."

My sister, who had been watching my deterioration from afar, finally intervened. She booked an appointment with a psychologist without telling me and literally dragged me there. I was resistant, angry, and embarrassed. "What will people think?" I kept asking.

Dr. Sarah (not her real name) was different from what I expected. She didn't judge, didn't minimize my dreams, and most importantly, she made me realize that seeking help wasn't a sign of weakness – it was a sign of strength.

Key Insights from My First Therapy Session

Depression is a medical condition, not a character flaw or lack of willpower

Your worth as a person is not determined by clearing or not clearing an exam

It's possible to pursue your dreams while maintaining mental health

You need a support system, not complete isolation

The Recovery Journey: What Actually Worked

1. Professional Therapy & Medication

I attended therapy sessions twice a week for six months. We worked on cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques to identify and change negative thought patterns. Dr. Sarah also prescribed mild antidepressants for the first three months to stabilize my mood.

📋 Lesson Learned:

Mental health medication is not a crutch or sign of weakness. It's a tool to help your brain function normally while you work on other aspects of recovery.

2. Rebuilding My Support Network

I started by reconnecting with old friends. Initially, it was awkward – explaining why I had disappeared, dealing with their success stories while I felt like a failure. But slowly, I realized that good friends don't judge your timeline.

What I Did:

• Joined a UPSC aspirants support group (online initially, then offline)
• Started having weekly coffee meetings with two close friends
• Began participating in family functions again (even if briefly)
• Found a study partner who understood mental health challenges

💡 Lesson Learned:

You don't need to choose between social connections and UPSC preparation. The right people will support your dreams while helping you stay mentally healthy.

3. Creating a Sustainable Study Routine

Gone were the 16-hour study marathons. With my therapist's help, I created a balanced routine that prioritized consistency over intensity.

🌅 Morning Routine (6:00-9:00 AM)

• 30 min walk/exercise
• Meditation (10 minutes)
• Healthy breakfast
• Review previous day's notes

📚 Study Sessions

• 3 focused 2-hour sessions
• 30-min breaks between sessions
• Different subjects in each session
• Weekly off (Sunday)

🎯 Lesson Learned:

Sustainable preparation is marathon training, not sprint training. Your routine should energize you, not exhaust you.

4. Rediscovering Joy Through Hobbies

I had forgotten what joy felt like. Everything in my life revolved around UPSC. My therapist insisted I needed to rediscover activities that made me happy, independent of any goal or outcome.

I started small – cooking one new dish every weekend, listening to music for 30 minutes daily, and eventually picked up photography. These weren't "productive" in UPSC terms, but they were healing my soul.

🌟 Lesson Learned:

Hobbies aren't distractions from your goals – they're fuel for your journey. A happy mind learns better than a stressed mind.

Signs of Recovery: How I Knew I Was Getting Better

Recovery Milestones

Week 3

Woke up without dreading the day

Month 2

Could study for 2 hours without panic

Month 4

Enjoyed spending time with friends

Recovery wasn't linear. There were days when I felt like I was back to square one. But gradually, the good days outnumbered the bad days. I started looking forward to things again – weekend outings, family dinners, even my study sessions.

Actionable Tips for Aspirants Struggling with Mental Health

🚨 If You're in Crisis Right Now

•Call National Mental Health Helpline: 1800-599-0019
•Talk to someone you trust immediately
•Don't make any major decisions about your future
•Remove any means of self-harm from your reach

💚 Daily Mental Health Practices

•Start each day with 10 minutes of gratitude journaling
•Take a 20-minute walk outdoors daily
•Connect with one person outside UPSC circle daily
•End study sessions with a relaxing activity

Study Tips for Better Mental Health

⏰ Time Management

• Study in 90-minute blocks max
• Take mandatory 15-min breaks
• Set realistic daily targets
• Track progress, not just hours

📚 Content Strategy

• Focus on understanding over memorization
• Mix different types of content
• Regular revision over cramming
• Quality sources over quantity

🎯 Mindset

• Progress over perfection
• Process goals over outcome goals
• Self-compassion over self-criticism
• Learning from setbacks

The Outcome: Where I Am Today

I appeared for UPSC Prelims 2023 with a completely different mindset. For the first time in four attempts, I wasn't studying out of desperation or fear – I was studying because I genuinely wanted to serve the country.

The result? I cleared Prelims with a comfortable margin and made it to the final list with AIR 347. Not the rank I had dreamed of five years ago, but a rank I'm incredibly proud of because of the journey it represents.

More importantly, I'm mentally healthy. I have friends, hobbies, and a life outside UPSC. I've learned that success without mental well-being is not success at all – it's just a hollow achievement.

What Changed in My Final Successful Attempt

✅ What I Started Doing

• Maintained regular therapy sessions
• Followed sustainable study routine
• Kept social connections active
• Practiced stress management techniques
• Focused on holistic development

❌ What I Stopped Doing

• Comparing myself with others constantly
• Studying more than 8 hours daily
• Isolating myself from family/friends
• Neglecting physical health
• Defining self-worth through exam results

A Message to Every Struggling Aspirant

"Your dreams are valid, but so is your mental health. You don't have to choose between the two."

If you're reading this and recognizing yourself in my story, please know:

You are not weak for struggling. UPSC is one of the toughest exams in the world, and it's normal to feel overwhelmed.

Seeking help is not giving up. It's the bravest thing you can do for yourself and your dreams.

Your timeline is your own. There's no expiry date on dreams. Some people clear in their first attempt, others in their fifth. Both journeys are valid.

You are more than your UPSC result. Your worth as a human being is not determined by clearing or not clearing an exam.

Mental Health Resources for UPSC Aspirants

📞 Helplines

• Vandrevala Foundation: 9999 666 555
• AASRA: 91-22-27546669
• iCall: 022-25521111
• Sneha: 044-24640050

💻 Online Resources

• Mindfulness apps (Headspace, Calm)
• Online therapy platforms
• UPSC aspirant support groups
• Mental health awareness websites

🏥 Professional Help

• Local psychiatrists/psychologists
• Government mental health centers
• Hospital counseling services
• University counseling centers

Remember: If you're having thoughts of self-harm, please reach out immediately. Call 1800-599-0019 (National Mental Health Helpline) or go to your nearest emergency room.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is depression common among UPSC aspirants?

Yes, depression and anxiety are quite common among UPSC aspirants due to the high-pressure nature of the exam, long preparation periods, uncertainty, and social pressures. Studies suggest that competitive exam aspirants face higher rates of mental health challenges compared to the general population.

How can I cope with mental health issues during UPSC preparation?

Focus on creating a sustainable study routine, maintain social connections, practice stress management techniques, seek professional help when needed, engage in hobbies, and remember that your self-worth is not tied to exam results. Regular exercise, meditation, and adequate sleep are also crucial.

Should I take a break from UPSC if I'm feeling depressed?

If your mental health is severely affected, taking a break can be beneficial. Use this time to seek professional help, recover, and develop better coping strategies. Many successful candidates have taken breaks and returned stronger. Your mental health should always be the priority.

Can therapy help with UPSC-related stress and anxiety?

Absolutely. Therapy can help you develop healthy coping mechanisms, manage stress and anxiety, improve time management skills, and maintain a balanced perspective. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is particularly effective for exam-related anxiety and depression.

Final Thoughts

UPSC preparation is a marathon, not a sprint. And like any marathon, you need to pace yourself, take care of your body and mind, and have a strong support system. My depression taught me that success without mental well-being is hollow, and dreams pursued at the cost of health are not worth achieving.

💪 Remember This Always

"Mental health matters. UPSC is important, but so is YOU. Your dreams are valid, your struggles are real, and seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness."

If my story resonates with you, or if you want to share your own journey, I'd love to hear from you. Sometimes, just knowing that someone else has walked this path can make all the difference.

Share Your Journey

Expert Resources

📚 Recommended Reading

18-Hour UPSC Routine - Sustainable study methods
Coaching vs Self-Study - Making the right choice
UPSC Recommended Books - Quality over quantity

🔗 External Resources

WHO – Mental Health - Global mental health information
UPSC Official Website - Official exam information
UPSC Diary - More inspiring stories

UPSC Preparation & Depression: My Struggle and Recovery